Who am I to have him?
by Talulasaurus
Summary: When Blaine falls into a coma who is Quinn to stop herself from falling in love with his ghostly presence? One of two alternative endings, to avoid confusion I suggest you read my original fic; Trying to look past Rachel Berry
1. And so you fall

As Rachel made her way through the hall, bouncing and swishing her pleated skirt my heart thrashed; resembling a humming birds wings in flight. How could she be so oblivious to the effect she has on me? I resisted my urge to run up to her and hold her hand instead I simply stood watching, merely hoping I was merging into the wall that my back was so intensely pressed against. She proceeded to swish her way out of sight around the corner; I felt the air finally leaving my lungs and watched as the corridor grew gloomier; her glowing presence fading. I watched people going about their ordinary business wondering how she had not left each of them stock still in awe, just as she had left me. I let my feet carry me around the corner desperately wanting to bask in her glow once more, needing this hollow feeling in my chest to leave me. My feet picked up their pace as I found the corridor empty, I was well and truly running as i bounded my way past the choir room only to come to an abrupt stop when I heard her beautiful melody's. I stood at the open door watching her pour her passion into the room, of course she was not alone. No of course something had to ruin this beautiful moment for me, the one thing that always got in the way like a lanky barrier: Finn Hudson. She was pouring her heart out to this brute that always managed to throw it back in her face at some point or other. I slipped my way into the room, not even breaking their concentration, of course it was inevitable they would notice me so I busied myself in a low cupboard knowing that even when they did notice me they wouldn't be fazed because of course they had such an open to the world relationship, it shouldn't be like that. They were so wrong together it should be just two people loving each other not needing to shout to the world but being content in just being, how could she not see that? I could show her; oh Rachel let me show you. It's surprising how easily I could make myself invisible. I mean before the pregnancy; gosh even through the pregnancy it seemed every eye was always on me, always scrutinising or hating. Now the only time anyone even notices my existence is to thrust slushie into my face. For once in my life I was relishing in my invisibility. I sat and listened to every non-consequential word they shared, listening to the tone of her voice, the love she was expressing and imagining she was saying it to me. Imagining she felt something for me. After I watched Finn's feet walk out of the room I lifted my head over the piano once more, Rachel was still lingering by the raised seating; after a moment of hesitation I walked over to her.

"Rachel?"

"Hmm? Oh hi Quinn…"

"I, well I want to talk to you."

She sat down and patted the seat next to her which I then sat in. She watched me try to frame my sentence in my head with a quizzical look on her beautiful face.

"About the other day, in the café—"

"Don't worry, I understand."

"You do?"

I felt the shock vibrate through my body.

"Oh course, I just think you need to distance yourself from him for a while. It'll get easier to be around him. Don't worry Quinn."

I felt a pang of disappointment.

"No, I mean you've got it all wrong!"

I could feel the words forming on the tip of my tongue, I love you Rachel. I started to splutter as she cut me off.

"But Quinn He's mine! I know it's hard for you, God knows I've felt that way too. But really we have something beautiful here, I love him and he loves me back! Can't you grasp that? I love him so much. Don't take this away from me, he's the only thing I have that you don't. He chose me! Please can't you understand that I love him? That I need him more than anyone in the world?"

I watched as she got a protective expression on her face. Their relationship isn't beautiful at all though. It's ugly! We could be so much more beautiful! We could be legendary. She was still under the impression she was in love with him. Maybe she is in love with him, that thought caught me off guard again, I can't do anything to make her love me because she's already in love with him. I ended up mumbling;

"That's still not what I meant"

"What is it Quinn?"

"It really doesn't matter now; I mean you answered my question without realising it"

I might have been saying too much but I was just so confused and dazed that I really didn't care.

"Your teasing me now Quinn, what do you mean, what was the question?"

"I, I can't Rachel I'm sorry. It would only hurt us both."

I looked down away from her confused face, it took me everything I had to walk out of the room and it was a miracle that I didn't walk into any of the furniture.

I avoided Rachel like the plague, like the most beautiful plague in history. If I saw her bouncing her way into the corridor I'd bounce my way out, though of course my version of 'bounce' looked pathetic comparatively to her light happy glow. In any classes we shared I kept my head down until the bell rang and then I ran out of that class room as though eye contact with her would kill me, no it'd do worse, it'd break my heart. The only thing that stood in my way was Glee, Rachel would dominate Glee, demand our attention. How was I supposed to avoid that? And somehow I couldn't talk myself into skipping it, I'd tell myself that if I skipped this one I'd have to skip them all, I may as well quit, or what would Mr Shu think? Lies though, all of them lies. I wanted to go because I knew she would demand my attention, because I was addicted to her voice and because I would get to see her bouncy glow. So you can understand my surprise when none of those things came true, would you believe me if I told you I didn't look at her once?

Walking into the choir room that afternoon felt like I was walking into a graveyard. My first instinctive reaction was to think that they had somehow found out about my feelings for Rachel; that they were simply sitting in silent disgust until my eyes scanned across where Mercedes was sitting. Mercedes wouldn't be crying over my embarrassment? I started my way over to my seat as I heard Mr. Shu's voice break the eerie silence.

"Quinn, we've just found out that Kurt's boyfriend, Blaine, was run over earlier today and is now in a critical condition at hospital."

As the silence started to fall at the end of his sentence I heard Mercedes muffled sob grow louder and then fade into nothingness, I wanted to look around me to see how a silence this effective was possible but my head wasn't responding, neither were my feet for that matter. I was still staring forward but I couldn't see anything, it was as though all my senses had simultaneously stopped, given up on me. I felt my knees buckle from beneath me, but the impact of the ground didn't feel real it felt as though I'd just sank my knees into my bed, not onto a hard choir room floor.

I had had precisely two conversations with Blaine Anderson. Somewhere within those two conversations he had become my best friend. How is that even possible? And then a realisation hit me, it hit me hard in the face, my best friend is in pain, he is hurting and all I can do is kneel here on the floor like a buffoon. I lifted my stiff neck to look up; it felt like I'd been in that position for hours though in reality it was mere moments. Everyone was around me looking down with shock on their rigid faces, I could imagine what they were seeing, cruel heartless Quinn, who'd presumably never even spoken to Blaine on the floor soaked in tears over the boy. I couldn't explain why to myself let alone to them. I stood up feeling the full forces of head rush hit me without even acknowledging it, I simply walked to the door and out of the school.

Standing outside Blaine's hospital door was the most nerve wracking experience; I could hear Kurt's muffled sobbing through the thick clinical door. I put my thoughts of sympathy aside to try and quench my own heartache and hesitantly opened the door.

"Hello?"

Kurt's voice broke on the end of his word. This was not going to be easy.

"Hi Kurt, its Quinn"

Kurt started to interrupt me but I barrelled on, I wouldn't let him tell me to leave. I couldn't physically leave now that I was here.

"Kurt, you may think that you want to be alone but you need a friend. You need someone with you, even if all I can do is hold you when you feel the worst you have ever felt, well at least I will have held you."

When I felt safe in the fact that he wasn't going to kick me out just yet I pulled a chair over and sat next to him, I slipped my hand into his, he looked at me with his red blotchy face and gripped my hand back tightly. He then muttered

"Thank you Quinn, out of everyone I'd say you know me least, and yet you're here when I really need you. And I know you care about Blaine."

He then sat content in silence; I wondered how much of our conversations Blaine had relayed to Kurt. Did I mean that little to him? That our conversations weren't even private? I could only blame myself; we had only ever spoken about me and my problems I realised with a pang of regret. But there will be more I had to remind myself, Blaine will get through this. Then I faced it, the elephant in the room; Blaine. He lay silently sleeping, so beautiful and so fragile. His bubbly personality was missing; there was no cheeky smile on those plum lips, no twinkle in those closed eyes. My heart felt as though it was sitting somewhere around my stomach region and I felt my throat close up painfully. We sat silently until the door opened; Kurt's dad walked in

"Kids, you're gonna have to leave for a while now. Blaine's parents want to see him."

Me and Kurt looked at each other, I'm sure his distraught expression was mirrored on my face but I led him out of the room still hand in hand. I then gently let go and started to walk away.

"Quinn? The exits this way"

Kurt interrupted pointing towards the reception.

"Oh, I'm just going to the vending machine, I'll see you later Kurt okay?"

Kurt nodded and turned to walk out with his farther.

I walked around the corner then looped back round when I saw they were out of sight. I sat and I waited outside the room, I couldn't leave him. After three hours of being left inside my own torturous head Blaine's parents walked out, his dad stopped when he saw me. I looked at their puffy eyes and wondered how they were still able to walk.

"You've been waiting all this time?"

I nodded and felt the unshed tears in my eyes finally escape.

"You must really care, hey how long do you reckon you'll be here with him?"

"I'll be here until I get kicked out."

"It's nice to know there's someone here with him. Could I give you our number for in case anything happens? Like he wakes up or…"

The end of his sentence was swallowed up by the silence, the absent word hung in the air making it hard for me to breath in, I watched as his wife stiffened by his side.

"It's just that I'm sure you'd be faster at contacting us than the hospital… I mean the only reason we feel we can leave his side is because he's on a high dosage of sleeping drugs."

"Of course, I will call you the second anything happens."

My voice was thick but at least I'd made a decipherable sound. He proceeded to write his number on a scrap of paper he had in his pocket and handed it to me with a thank you. As they walked away his mother whom had stayed silent through this exchange put her hand on my shoulder and whispered her thanks to me. I was ready to face Blaine alone.


	2. And so I fall

This continues from straight after the last scene...

Walking over to sit by Blaine felt like walking through slush, my feet were dragging and my body felt numb. I kept my stare at the floor, as though I was scared to be alone with him, to see his sleeping face once more. It was a while before I managed to force myself to look up, and when I did I knew I wouldn't be able to tear my eyes away from his face again, I sang to him; I don't know why, it just came out without my thinking or willing it to do so.

_Untouchable like_

_A distant diamond sky_

_I'm reaching out_

_And I just_

_Can't tell you why_

_I'm caught up in you_

_I'm caught up in you_

_Untouchable burning_

_Brighter than the sun_

_And when you're close_

_I feel like coming undone_

I sat letting the last note hang in the air, watching his emotionless face, unchanging. I can't tell you how long I'd been sitting there when the door opened, I didn't even care to look and see who it was. She walked around me and I watched mindlessly as the nurse did her routine check-up, after she'd finished she walked away and I resumed my watching of Blaine's face. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder, and saw the same nurse handing me a tissue for a moment I wondered why until I realised that I was crying so I took the tissue and attempted to thank her though nothing of note came out.

"Honey, there's a good chance that he'll get through this"

The nurse told me soothingly, I looked up at her face and watched her talk,

"You look as though you need sleep."

"I don't want to go home; I don't want to leave him, what if he wakes up?"

"I'm afraid there's not much chance of that, at least not tonight."

"Why?"

"Well honey he's in a coma."

"I thought, they told me he was just on sleeping medication."

"Well, he's on drugs that as a side effect make you very drowsy but he's already in a coma."

"No one… they didn't"

"They didn't tell you when you first came in?"

It was all I could do to shake my head.

"Come, you should go home. You need to be with your parents right now."

I didn't protest when she indicated for me to get up and follow, The nurse ushered me away with the most sympathetic expression I'd ever seen, I realised exactly why as we walked past the mirror; my drenched face looked as though I was silently screaming, my mouth was wide and strained, I watched the fear in my own eyes as I watched myself. I couldn't quite feel my face and I definitely couldn't change my expression so I mindlessly walked out of the room following the nurse and trying not to think of anything at all, not Blaine's beautiful smile that was now lost to the world, or my own heartache that was currently coursing through my body, though I did have to keep reminding myself that he wasn't dead, yet. Why was I having this reaction?

As the week's past, I visited every day. I sat and watched his peaceful face, wanting this need for him to fall away. Kurt didn't come back to school for weeks and when he did he was quiet, kept to himself, mourning. His pain hurt me almost as much as my own; it was a cruel reminder every time I saw him of the pain, the sleepless nights and nightmare's. Somehow Rachel barely graced my thoughts; I was too distracted to think about her, every thought was focused on Blaine. When ever I did see her though, I prepared myself for the shocking pain that had always hit me with her glowing presence. I found myself too numb to be effected, I had come to the realization that my love for her had fallen away with the pain of Blaine's incident. It had fallen away when I felt the _real_ emotion thrust upon myself. I got into the habit of skipping lunch every day to sit in the toilet cubical and release my pent up pain and tears from throughout the day.

It was a Tuesday, precisely a month and a week since Blaine's accident, since they announced his coma. I was visiting Blaine, watching his beautiful face silently when I had the realization. His face is the most beautiful face I have ever seen it's the face I see when I close my eyes at night, but him as a person, far surpasses his beauty, he's the person I cry over. I love him, I love Blaine Anderson, not as a friend or even a best friend but as the person my world revolves around, I've been in love with him all this time, since the moment we first shared eye contact. I had been so confused with my emotions, my lust for Rachel but every time I was alone with him he was all that mattered, it didn't hurt when I was around Blaine. Unrequited love is the cruellest of all the loves, when you know they are in love with another. He loves Kurt, why do I always torture myself? Put myself into these situations? This was so different to my love for Rachel, I loved the idea of Rachel, I loved her love for Finn, wished I could be on the receiving end of such a love so much that I confused myself. I walked to the window and looked out, my mind reeling. I don't know when I dropped to the floor or how long I had stayed there, but finally I looked up, the base of the window frame sat before me, black with the night's scenery. Looking in the reflection I could see a girl hunched over as though she wished her chin could merge into her knees, transforming her into a mindless ball, of dust perhaps, invisible to the naked eye. With her shoulder blades sticking out as if they wanted to grow wings. She looked thoroughly helpless. But then again that reflection is me isn't it, everyone always says the pain will get less as time passes, but i don't believe them. I think they only say it so you can face getting out of bed every day. You think today might be the day, but it never is. As time seeps slowly forward it actually gets worse, worse with every realisation, worse with every suspicion and worse with every thought. I miss him. I became reliant on him. I always seem to love things I could never have. They tricked me; I don't know exactly who but that doesn't matter, the world, God? I thought I could have love. Fate is cruel; no matter how corny that sounds it flaunted my most prized emotion in front of my eyes and snatched away. Crawling up from off the floor I sat on looked over my angel's face. I was pining after someone else's love, Kurt was so hurt going through so much pain, it should be a sin for me to be imagining me pressing my lips onto Blaine's, hoping he'd wakeup from his true loves kiss. Ha! True love, no I'm not his true love. I don't deserve him; there are no angels in hell.

"I love you"

I whispered despite myself, putting every ounce of my being into those three words. He lay emotionless, unchanging and oblivious to how much of myself I was giving to him, how much pain I was going through because of him.

"I need you so much"

I could hear how strained my voice sounded, how desperate. I honestly can't describe the amount of pain I felt in those moments.

That was the moment I first hallucinated.

The lyric's I used are from_ Taylor Swift'_s song _untouchable _

Reviews? I love hearing your opinions.


	3. Forbidden feelings

_I have added this chapter here hoping to ease any confusion, to show you how he feels and the truth of the situation..._

**Blaine's Point of View:**

I watched my mother and father leaving the room; knowing that they felt they'd done their bit, shown that they're parents. Putting on a façade to the world, being good parents for a day, I wouldn't be surprised if they never visited me again. My farther disgusted in my sexuality, didn't care for me; just his image. My mother? Well, I think it hurt her but she'd never show that; not with my farther around. She kept her head down to hide the tears, I didn't know whether to feel heartbroken for her or angry that she was hiding how much she wanted to be a good mother. This was probably a weight off their shoulders. The door closed behind them; I sat on the bed defeated. Why do I have to be like this? I'd much rather be asleep, just like how everyone sees me. Because watching people cry over me was the worst thing I'd ever had to endure. Kurt, watching him kiss my cheek, his tears spilling over onto my sleeping face. I had woken up; but I wasn't in my body, well I was in a body but not one that anyone could see or hear, I could faintly _see through_ myself!They were the single scariest moments in my life. The door re-opened, I sucked in my breath waiting for Kurt to step back in, preparing myself to hold it together. The beautiful face that peeped around the door surprised me, Quinn. She had waited all this time to see me again, but why? She moved incredibly slowly, not looking up once, for some reason my heart was racing until she sat down and looked up; then it felt like my heart had stopped all together. I felt like hitting myself, why hadn't I felt like this when Kurt came in? She had an odd look in her eyes, or to be precise; no look, they were dead, but then they flickered into life as she opened her mouth and let words spill out, beautiful words. I watched as she finished how she sat immobile, so still that you'd question her state of conscious… Only when the nurse came in did she tear her eyes away from my face, watching, no; scrutinising her every move. Then she surprised me again, tears began to fall from her eyes, my stomach clenched as I wondered what had triggered them. I wanted to hold her, wipe those tears away, love her tell her I was here, that she's not alone. I watched the nurse, begging her out loud to help Quinn, to hold her, to do _anything_. Of course she couldn't hear me, and there was nothing I could do. Finally the nurse went over to comfort her, to talk it through with her, and even though I wanted this to happen, wanted her to be comforted, somehow it was just too much. I walked out of the hospital room for the first time since I'd woken up, I almost expected not to be able to leave the room, I actually walked through the wall (I had known that I could walk through things because I had kicked the bed in frustration as I watched my farther tell the doctor how very 'upset' he was, of course the bed wasn't an obstacle for my foot) the wind slashed at me, whipping along the edges of the outer-wall, desperately trying to find an entrance but it felt so refreshing on my face, like a cold shower. I don't know when I decided where I was going, well I didn't consciously decide; my feet just took me there. Kurt was standing in his room, staring at his reflection in the mirror, trying on his out fits one by one. It made me smile, the way he was being so 'Kurt', he looked beautiful and his ability to put together an outfit has always baffled me. I watched his satisfied little smile as he tried on a cute bow tie that matched perfectly, and the way he pushed his hair back contently. His happiness, not much happiness, but there was some in his own little world. Not thinking about me, not sad. I'm not accusing him of not caring, it's obvious he cares but he's not completely unable of any other emotion than sadness, I thought about that for a second because as happy as that should make me it actually stabbed me a little, not as much as it should have though. I felt my brows pucker as I questioned myself, if Kurt was in a coma would I completely lose the ability to smile? No, I wouldn't, as much as I loved him and as much as it would hurt for him to be sick, I wouldn't lose myself over it. I thought back to Quinn who must have waited for me, waited to see me. I felt like slapping myself again, what was I thinking? I love Kurt, I love him more than anyone in the world, I concentrated on believing that as I watched him twirl in front of the mirror.

As the weeks past, Quinn visited every day; I watched as she took less and less care over herself. Her eye's growing more and more shallow, her bones protruding more and more; it made me feel like if I were to touch her she would crumble like a fragile dried out petal. I watched over Kurt, he didn't visit me much at the hospital, I don't think he could handle it. His dad made him stay home from school until he felt stable. I felt terrible for how I thought about his smiling that first night. One day as I was following Kurt through school like normal, Quinn rushed past me into the toilets, tears in her eyes, I followed her cautiously, as I walked in the toilet cubicle door slammed; shaking all of the stalls doors. I could hear her muffled cry's, I knelt to the floor listening to her, she let out a strained sob and I watched as the door vibrated against her pounding fists. I couldn't bring myself to go in and see her; it was so _frustrating_ I couldn't do anything to help her. Why was I like this I thought to myself for the thousandth time, my frustration overwhelmed me and I stood pushing my head against the door, forcing myself to stay on my side of the door, wanting to feel the pressure on my forehead; knowing Quinn was crying on the other side, I wish I could just let her know how close I was.

It was a Tuesday, precisely a month and a week since my accident, since I'd woken up in this state of limbo. At least that's how I explained it to myself. Quinn was visiting watching my face as normal when something changed in her eyes, I walked closer scrutinising her expression; watching something lift, I couldn't pin point what exactly but it was noticeable. She slowly walked to the window and looked out. She dropped to the floor after staring at her reflection, her expression so pained, but in a new way, after a while she looked up, she looked as though she was really seeing herself for the first time, I couldn't help myself I was kneeling within an inch from her, I seem to have crept towards her unconsciously. Crawling up from off the floor she sat watching over my body again, I sat directly in front of her on the bed; trying to absorb every change in her expression. And then she said it, I flinched at the pain in her voice, in the truth in her words.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

It just fell out of my lips; after I said it I put my hand over my mouth in shock. But I couldn't help resuming my scrutinising; watching as her beautiful face contorted so it looked like she'd suffered a physical injury. Her lips mouthed a word obviously having failed to make a sound; she tried again.

"I need you so much."

My heart pounded in my chest, knowing that I felt the same was, but I shouldn't; I was feeling forbidden feelings. And then something changed in her eyes, they widened in shock, looking like a tiny bird and in all honest scared.


	4. Hallucinations

Blaine was sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, his face inches from mine; eyes boring into me. But at the same time he wasn't; he was still lying sleeping in the bed. I felt the electricity course through my veins and sat bolt upright.

"Blaine?"

I looked straight into his ghostly but still dazzling eyes. Blaine's expression changed into one of fear, he looked sympathetic and scared at the same time.

"Blaine, I'm sacred, am I hallucinating, you're not dead are you? Please don't be dead. Don't be dead Blaine!"

I could hear my voice getting frantic, tears fell from my aching eyes as I looked at the monitors and machines around the bed, nothing had changed; there was no long eerie beep or doctors and nurses rushing into the room.

"Quinn?"

I opened my eyes to the cold rim of the hospital chair, my mind buzzed as I attempted to sit up.

"You passed out, I'm sorry about that."

I stared at him for a moment, my memories flooding back to me, I could still feel the tears wet on my face. I didn't even risk blinking, as though he'd disappear the moment I stopped concentrating on him. Even if this is a hallucination I didn't want it to go, I wanted to live with it for ever.

"Blaine? I'm so confused."

My voice broke around the last word and I closed my eyes, wanting nothing more than to still be passed out.

"Quinn, I'll explain what I think but God only knows what the truth is. I'm in limbo, a state of being between life and death. I've been just watching everything happen around me and thinking, it's so lonely Quinn"

Blaine really was my angel, watching over me. At the same time I felt a fist clench around my heart at the realisation; he's watched me, watched me come here every day, every tear, every _word_, he heard me tell him I love him, his face had been inches away from mine as the words had spilled out of my lips. He knew.

"You don't have to be lonely anymore Blaine but that's just it; how can i see you?"

"I think a part of you must have just died."

"What happens when you bring it to life again?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe that's what'll keep me partially dead; the looming suspicion of becoming alive again."

"You want to be dead?"

"No, but I'd do anything to see you"

I closed my eyes again knowing that I was giving him everything; I had _already _given him everything. Knowing that he would break me in half, but even when he does I can't blame him, he's in love with Kurt, and I'm… well I'm no one. I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes, I clenched them back, desperately not wanting them to flow.

"Quinn, are you okay?"

"You shouldn't be asking me that, you're the one who's… the one in limbo!"

"Well technically so are you, but I've watched you Quinn, seen you in the school toilets, seen you stop eating, stop sleeping, every day you come here you look that much more tired, that much skinnier. When was the last time you had a conversation?"

"Of course I've had conversations, I just—"

I couldn't even recall my last conversation, I'd just been zoning out, not speaking.

"I just haven't cared much for people recently, no one cares, and I, I don't care about anyone either."

"That's a lie. You told me you love me."

That was it; I couldn't fight the tears that proceeded to spill over my lashes now, way to look pathetic Quinn.

"I do."

"I do too Quinn. I love you."

"Don't worry Blaine I don't need your sympathy, I know you love Kurt."

He muttered under his breath, and I could have sworn he said, "It wasn't a lie though." But I'm crazy aren't I, why am I even putting myself through this? It's a hallucination, he doesn't really love me.

"You need to go home and sleep."

He said this in a much stronger voice.

"I can't, what if you're not here when I wake up? I can't leave, I can't let you go. Please don't make me."

My voice had travelled several octaves higher through my rushed sentence. But his answer was simple,

"I'll still be here Quinn."

Something about his soothing voice made me trust him, even if he was just a hallucination.

I woke up abruptly, my hair matted to my forehead and my body slick with sweat. I threw myself forward and pushed my face into my quilt so as not to wake my parents up with my strained screams. Within the next moment I was encaged but a cold set of arms, making me do a particularly shrill scream into my duvet. Blaine's soothing voice whispered a gentle shush into my ear.

"it's okay, it's okay I'm here. I won't let you go Quinn."

My heart pounded as I relaxed instantly into his embrace, I lay against him until my body cooled down from his abnormally cold temperature.

"Will you stay with me?"

"I will always be here for you."

With that I let myself drift back to sleep.

"Wakey, wakey sleepy head…"

Blaine's lips were pressed against my ear as I opened my eyes, I stretched and rubbed my eyes tiredly, he let out a soft laugh and I turned my head to see what was so amusing, giving him an exaggerated quizzical look.

"You are adorable in the morning Quinn, oh and you slept through your alarm clock"

That made me sit bolt upright, which I immediately regretted, I just lost my excuse to be leaning into Blaine. I looked at his beautiful face and my stomach was instantly bombarded with frantic butterfly's, I don't care if I'm going insane if it makes me feel this way.

Blaine followed me around like a shadow, though of course my body could never produce such a beautiful shadow. I walked to school with a smile on my face that morning, smiling felt so foreign, I hadn't done it in so long. Of course my bubble was popped the moment we walked onto the school grounds. Kurt walked past us, his face drooping, his eyes dead; a cruel reminder that this was all a hallucination and even so why should I get to be this happy whilst Kurt is still suffering so? My smile abruptly vanished; I looked up to see Blaine's eyes trailing after Kurt's now distant form. The way he watched him, the pain in his eyes, the love was so obvious, heartbreakingly obvious. All I wanted in this world was for him to love me that way, I mean **god** even my hallucinations can't fall in love with me.

"You can go after him you know, stay with him."

"No Quinn, I can't help him. But I can help you."

The comforting words felt like daggers piercing me, he was only here out of sympathy, hoping that if he stayed I'd eat and sleep. He was just being a good friend, knowing that hurt so much. My eyes started to sting but I looked up and forced them not to well up, I carried on walking, I wouldn't let him see how much this hurt me. He looked over to my face and smiled,

"Were alright like this aren't we?"

I know it was a rhetorical question, I _know_. But all I wanted was to say no, no actually I'm not okay, in some ways you being with me hurt's me more. But really, I didn't want him to leave, ever again, I wanted to pretend; even just for a day. This is the moment you're falling apart and no one notices. And no matter how much I say I want it to stay that way, I do _really_ want him to see, I want him to hug me, tell me that he cares. Tell me that he can see past my facade, see how much pain I'm going through. Instead I just nodded and plastered a smile on my face.

The day passed by far too fast, you know those moments in movies? Those special moments you want to keep forever, they always get shown in slow motion, you can memorise every little detail. Well today wasn't like that, it went so fast that it blurred together. My pretend day was almost over, the day I got to pretend Blaine was mine, that he loved me more than the world. And tomorrow he'll probably be gone forever, because it's just a hallucination right?

"I can't _wait _for Glee club tonight!"

Blaine caught me off guard as we made our way out of last class, I didn't have the heart to tell him that I hadn't been going, that the only time that I'd physically been able to sing when I'd tried was at the hospital on the first day since he fell into a coma, so I just nodded and walked towards the choir room with him at my heel like an excited puppy dog. I looked at him bouncing along behind me and almost giggled, _almost_.

As we walked in the first thing I noticed was what was written on the board; 'behind the pretence'. Great, was that not exactly what I was doing, all this pretence? I walked over and sat down in my usual seat, ignoring the rest of the members and just focusing on my 'pretence' for Blaine. With him beside me it made it easier, he was my buffer to all the stares and whispering.

Artie opened the session with _Queen's 'I want to break free' _to which Britney replied "Did you sing that song about your wheelchair?" I heard Blaine stifle a chuckle next to me. Mr Schuester proceeded to stand in front of the class once more.

"Well done, Artie! Now since its Quinn's first day back I think it's only fair that you get to sing next, do you have anything in mind, keeping this week's theme in mind of course Quinn?"

"Yes, I guess I do have something."

Blaine looked at me; he'd obviously picked up on the whole first day back thing. Maybe if I sang this song I'd feel better. So I whispered the song to Brad and walked to face everyone, I looked at Kurt feeling a sharp pain in my chest. I went to join in with the piano but nothing came out, I hadn't been able to sing since Blaine's accident. What was I supposed to do?

"Can I start again please?"

As I went in to sing the second time I looked straight at Blaine, somehow he gave me the strength, the strength to sing him this song.

I'm out on my own again

Face down in the porcelain

Feeling so high but looking so low

Party favours on the floor

Group of girls banging on the door

So many new fair-weather friends

Have you ever been so lost

Known the way and still so lost

Caught in the eye of a hurricane

Slowly waving goodbye like a pageant parade

So sick of this town pulling me down

My mother says I should come back home but

Can't find the way cause the way is gone

So if I pray am I just sending words into outer space

Have you ever been so lost

Known the way and still so lost

Another night waiting for someone to take me home

Have you ever been so lost

Is there a light

Is there a light

At the end of the road

I'm pushing everyone away

'Cause I can't feel this anymore

Can't feel this anymore

Have you ever been so lost

Known the way and still so lost

Another night waiting for someone to take me home

Have you ever been so lost

Have you ever been so lost.

My voice broke on the last sentence and by the end I was shaking, tears escaping. I was too tired to hide it, too tired and lost. I really was lost; I was going insane for God's sake. I couldn't take my eyes off of Blaine's; he looked as though he was going to cry too, that shocked me. Surprisingly enough I hadn't gone numb yet, I wish I would just go numb already. The room was silent; I sat back down not concentrating on anything until I noticed everyone was leaving. I went to stand up but froze when I noticed Blaine standing blocking my way, staring at me with the oddest expression on his face.

"I can't make myself better, I can't not love Kurt, I can't promise you anything. But I can tell you that Quinn Fabray I love you. I need you so much."

"Just stop! Leave me alone. GO away, stop being here, I just need these hallucinations to go away. I thought they were helping me, I relished in you, but it's just hurting me more. I thought you were healing the hole in my heart but you were just wheedling another one. You love Kurt more than you love me. But Blaine, you are my _everything. _I can't _breathe_ properally, I can't _sing _until I see your face, I can't _eat,_ I can't _sleep_. I have nightmares every night, just repeating the moment I found out you were in hospital over and over again. You don't love me enough Blaine, not enough to stop the pain. I can't keep you, you're not mine. I don't even know what I'm saying! I just love you so God damn much. And you just don't. "

Each word broke out of my throat with a stab to my heart.

The song I used is Katy Perry's '_Lost'_

_Once again feedback really helps, especially to know what you do or don't like..._


	5. Misunderstandings

I know a couple of you were getting a tad confused but I think this chapter explains a few things...

When I got home I felt like I could really think, I needed to. It was all just so confusing. I turned on my laptop and automatically searched through MySpace; Rachel's video's came up, her beautiful voice filled my room but I felt nothing. I watched Rachel, wishing more than anything I could do something as simple as think I'm in love with her again. It would be much simpler, I thought back to the hours I spent torturing myself over her, there was no comparison. I really did just want a passion like hers, wanted someone to look at me the way she looks at Finn, to love me no matter how many times I hurt them. I closed my eyes, every thought I had comes back to this nowadays; to Blaine. He's in a coma, lying in a hospital bed, and yet he's also a ghost? No, I just had hallucination, that's how badly I want him, that it's quite literally driving me insane. But what if it were true? What if he really is in limbo, his body on lock down and his mind in limbo, what if I'd tortured myself so much over the loss of him, that a part of me really has died? That we were both in limbo, but that wouldn't even make sense. How can no one see him, how is he in essence a ghost if were both in limbo, and yet I'm walking talking and breathing? But then I may not actually _be_ in limbo, part of me died so I could see ghosts, spirits. I rubbed my temples I'm going in circles and confusing myself here; it's much easier to come to terms with if I just accept the fact that I'm going mental. That I'm so in love with Blaine, Blaine who's in a coma that my mind is trying to compensate; that it's driven me to insanity. I lay back on my bed, Rachel's sweet voice still vibrating around me. Why can't I be normal? For just once in my life why can't I be happy with what I have, or why can't love just not exist? I figured the normal thing to do would be to visit Blaine, well normal for me at least. Just because I had hallucinations didn't mean I should abandon the real Blaine, even if he doesn't know I want to be there to hold his hand and wait it through.

As I sat down in the familiar room; the room I had spent more time in than my own, the confusion cleared. It doesn't matter, none of it. My pain doesn't matter , my hallucination's, the unrequited love; all that matters is that Blaine gets better, that he wakes up and lives his life. That the world gets to hear him sing, see his beauty.

"Quinn"

His familiar voice came from behind me, I almost ignored it.

"Blaine, I don't know what's wrong with me, why I see you. But I don't care anymore. What I need is for Blaine to get better and for my mind to stop over- compensating for my loss. What I need is to stop imagining you."

The silence filled the room like a fog, I looked behind me hoping he'd disappeared but somehow knowing he hadn't. Tears were spilling out over his lashes, his eyes looked as dead as his translucent skin. The air caught in my throat as I watched the tears roll down the contours of his angelic face.

"Blaine don't, why are you crying?"

"I'm real Quinn. I'm real and I'm in love with you."

What a beautiful lie.

"Kurt"

"No. I love Kurt but, Quinn For the last month I watched you break your heart over me every day. Kurt hurt's too yes, I won't deny it but there's something more with you. When I saw Kurt cry, my heart ached for him, I wanted to hug him and make him smile. When I watched you cry, when I watched you do anything, my heart _broke_ for _me_, I wanted to kiss away your tears and hold you tight. I love Kurt, because he's my best friend. I love you because you are my all, because I need you."

I listened to each strained exaggerated word. Maybe it's real.

"You'd be mine?"

"I want to take every second I have on this world and use them to love you. I want to make you smile every day and for you to have confidence in me. Let me love you Quinn? You always fall in love but you never let anyone love you back."

I watched the sincerity in his face, for the first time having complete confidence in him being real.

"Let yourself be happy Quinn."

A feeling of ecstasy flowed through me, vibrated from my very being.

"I'm happy; finally."

I won't push him away again; I promised myself that at least. I nodded, with blurry eyes and biting my lip to stop any involuntary sounds escaping. He stepped forward very slowly, carefully; his eyes locked onto mine, he stopped; hovering in front of me, our eyes still locked. He gently kissed the tip of my nose and pulled his face lower; stroking his face down mine momentarily until his lips found mine. In those moments I knew that I would do anything for this kiss, this feeling. Better than any kiss I'd ever received in my life. I didn't ponder over why his touch felt so normal; better than normal even, when he was so obviously transparent, when exactly he fell in love with me or even how he learnt to kiss like that. I just lived in it, completely happy; embracing our love, not questioning.


	6. Happiness

Okay guy's so if you've been following this series and have not already stumbled across it; I recently added a chapter (5). It's from Blaine's point of view so I'm hoping this erases any remaining confusion.

I woke up feeling incredibly light, I subconsciously pushed my hands against my cheeks smiling as widely as my mouth would allow and let out a small squeak. He loves me, he loves me, me! I threw my head back into my pillow, knowing that I'd have to calm down, I couldn't face Blaine in such a pathetically love sick school girl way. I can't remember ever feeling this happy, maybe I just haven't.

"Good morning Beautiful."

Oh my lord, his words startled me but I flung myself up, jumped over the bottom of my bed and ran towards him. He was sitting in the corner of my room on my arm chair with his legs crossed.

"Blaine!"

"H-heey Quinn, I'm guessing you're in a good mood?"

I climbed up and sat on his lap before kissing his cheek. I internally cringed as I realised that I'd unconsciously shown him my embarrassing love sick school girl ways. Damn.

"When did you get here?"

He gave a shifty look and I watched the redness creep up his translucent neck.

"Yesterday"

"But why?" I was honestly perplexed.

"I like to watch you sleep, you're adorable and it makes me know this is real. What else am I supposed to do, go and watch myself sleep? That's just not that appealing to me."

He thinks I'm adorable; I let that swim around in my head for a while.

"We should do something, I vote go exploring somewhere that there are no people, so that you can talk to me without being branded insane."

A lovely reminder that he's still in a coma and that he's still on the verge of death. I tried to keep the sadness off my face; I didn't want to ruin his mood. Instead I jumped off, found some clothes and ran to the bathroom to change out of my old sweats.

"You don't have to change in there you know Quinn, I mean we are in love aren't we?" He teased.

"Oh shush Blaine you go straight from gay to wanting to see my body desperately? Fat chance."

I slammed my hand over my mouth, what had I just said? Thankfully he didn't show any signs of it affecting him.

"Gay for anyone but you, I've always been attracted to you Quinn, you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen."

I let that sink in with the butterfly's currently swarming my belly.

We spent the day walking and driving through the countryside, I took a small picnic; just for myself of course but we both sat on the blanket and it was as romantic as a picnic between a ghost and girl could get. We laughed the day away and I felt so at peace, more happy than I had ever been, this is what I've been waiting all my life for. We made it back home in time for my tea, he sat next to me at the dining table whilst I desperately tried not to look over at him or giggle. We ran upstairs and I immediately jumped on the bed.

"Thank you."

"Thank you for what?"

"For the best day of my life."

I knew it was the cheesiest and most cliché thing I could have possibly said but I meant it from the bottom of my heart. In an attempt to hide my blush I jumped off the bed and picked out tonight's pyjamas; my checked shorts set.

"You don't have to hide from me Quinn"

I thought about my stretch marks and supressed a shudder. But in reality they weren't very noticeable and he was in love with me so I walked towards my bed, kissed him of the forehead and shimmied out of my dress.

"You really are beautiful."

I closed my eyes briefly in happiness before reaching out for my bed clothes, it was then that he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me onto the bed. He kissed me passionately letting his fingers trace the length of my spine. I nuzzled my head into the side on his neck and kissed him until my lips had travelled to the hollow of his neck, He rolled over until he was above me and whispered in my ear.

"You should get those pyjama's on before I ravish you Quinn Fabray."

"I'm not protesting." I giggled in a teasing tone but crawled over and slipped into them.

He pulled me back up the bed and lay beside me, looking into his eyes I knew I was where I belonged.

"I've been lost for so long Blaine, latching on to any form of love i could find, putting my every think into it even if it was fake. First of all with Finn, and then one night Puck told me he needed me, the way he looked at me that night... i felt wanted. Then well, feeling wanted wasn't worth the consequences was it? And then I found Rachel; her passion. But now I don't feel lost any more, this is different. I love you Blaine. Really love you."

"I love you too Quinn, more than the world."

"You're the only person in the world who knows me, who I am."

I wanted to add 'who loves me at all' but for some reason it wouldn't come out. I watched as his brows creased in concentration, obviously trying to frame a sentence in his head. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen, I contained a giggle that threatened to escape.

"I remember when we first met; Kurt had always made you out to be, well bitchy. But when I saw your ability to love, your smile, you, I knew you were anything but how I'd imagined."

I noticed as he said Kurt's name his voice shook ever so slightly, my stomach clenched but I could also hear the sympathy thick in his voice, as though he was sorry he had miss-judged me.

"As a kid I was Lucy Fabray, the fat kid, the ugly kid and the kid who had no friends. I changed; I forced myself into something that I wasn't and in all honesty when I became part of Glee I hated it; hated them. They reminded me too much of Lucy, then I grew to know them, like them, they're my friends and they taught me what friendship is, what kindness is. It changed me. And then I met you, now I know what love is. Kurt met me as a bitchy cheer leader who didn't know true friendship or love; first impressions can be hard to shake."

I could see a thousand questions in his eyes but for some reason he didn't voice them, I silently thanked him for that. He just scooted over and snuggled into my side.

"You can tell me anything Quinn; I'll hold you and make it better."

"I know."

But in all honesty he wouldn't be able to make it better. I had always had this need to be loved, I don't know why, maybe because my farther didn't care about me and my mother, well she had just stood back and let me get hurt by his insensitivity. But then I had Beth, my little baby girl who changed my whole world. I wanted to take it back, her back but I can't, because she's gone; in the arms of a stranger, thinking that she's her mother. Since then I'd searched everywhere desperate to find something to fill this hole. Someone to love me, and then I found Blaine, I'm only just realising that nothing will fill that hole, but now I have Blaine, I need him separately; nothing to do with my pain of her loss.

And so I fell asleep the same way I did every night, thinking of my baby. But tonight I wasn't curled up, my eyes weren't streaming, I had Blaine, somehow that made the pain manageable. Blaine holding me was like he was holding all my pieces together, the cracks still there but no gaping holes so even if he didn't know it he was making it better for now.

Pretty please review and tell me your thoughts; it really helps.


	7. Hurt

I started to let Blaine in, really in. Before it had been like he was worming his way into my heart, my mind pushing and rejecting his overwhelming strength; now I let him in freely, telling him each of my secrets, all of my pain. Giving him my everything.

The seconds, beautiful happy seconds turned into days, weeks. I spent each of them with Blaine; just as he had promised. Each morning I woke up to his angelic face on the pillow beside me and went to bed with my face against his shoulder, my eyes lost their bags, my body grew into my athletic former self and I smiled again, smiled more than I ever had before.

"Good morning." He whispered from beside me.

I simply sighed happily in response, it was a Saturday; one of my favourite days of the weeks because I could speak freely to him all day without worrying about my fellow students reporting me to a mental asylum. I crawled out of bed and dressed myself as well as taking care of a few other human necessity's, when I walked back over to where he was still lying I leaned over to kiss him. His kiss -touch even- still sent shivers down my spine every time. I sat on the bed with my legs crossed; he pulled me closer as we listened to the sound of my mother's car leaving the driveway for work. I now related that sound with happiness instead of loneliness, for it meant if me and Blaine so wished we could run around the house screaming. I turned to Blaine with a smile wide across my face, it faltered and my heart dropped; Blaine's translucent skin was slowly fading until he had completely disappeared. I jumped up, tears already streaming down my face. Where was he? What happened? My head spun wildly. After a moment of standing in shock and pain he appeared again with a look of confusion on his face.

"Quinn? Why are you crying, how are you over there? You were just sitting against me."

Blaine's words pushed and tumbled over each other in panic until he was hardly coherent.

"Blaine!"

I felt the blood rush back to my face as suddenly as it had left.

"Y-you disappeared, faded completely away!"

I ran back towards him and held his body against mine. Letting my tears dry on my cheeks I listened to my heart pound. I cannot lose him, not Blaine. He's the essence of my existence; I can't picture myself a future without him.

Over the next few days Blaine disappeared briefly five times, reappearing without a clue of what had happened. On the fourth day we had been in the lunch hall passing notes (we had come up with several ways to communicate around people now) when he vanished, I tried not to let my shock show, I sat and waited getting increasingly more worried. He finally reappeared moments before the bell rang, that was the longest he had been away so far; 42 minutes. I looked at his angelic, bewildered face and embraced the piercing sting of my unshed tears storming straight to the Ladies room with him at my heel. When I got through the door I scanned the room, empty. I proceeded to spin around to face him.

"I can't cope with this, 42 minutes Blaine."

I watched shock run across his face.

"I-I don't know what's happening Quinn."

"We _need_ to find out."

"How are we supposed to do that?"

But as I watched the next word form on him lips they faded, he faded, until I was staring not at his beautiful face but the a distant sink, the room started to throb around me. I waited in the rest room for the rest of the lesson until I knew he wasn't coming back, somehow I wasn't crying, I was just numb. That's how I ended up skipping last lesson to sit in his hospital room.

I had been watching over his pale beautiful face for hours when it happened. His eyes flickered open momentarily.

"Blaine! Baby you're back!"

He didn't respond; his body still sleeping. I ran from the room to get a nurse, tears of happiness running down my cheeks. I wasn't allowed back into the room, they had rung his parents so now Mr and Mrs Anderson were in the room with the doctors, hospital personnel walked in and out for the rest of the day.

I woke up with a stiff neck from the hard hospital chair,

"Honey, you can go back in now. He's awake, with seemingly no memory loss or brain damage. His parents just left. Be careful not to startle him though and press the button if there are any problems."

How long had he been awake? I had slept through the awakening of my angel. I half ran, half stumbled into the room and over to the bed.

"Blaine, angel you're finally awake!"

My voice broke under the vast pressure of my happiness repeatedly in that singular sentence.

"Quinn!"

I watched that familiar grin spread across his face, the one that always sends a tingle down my spine; I held his hand in mine as he looked up at me.

"Is Kurt on his way Quinn?"

My heart thudded to a stop but I let it go, I knew how much he had hurt over Kurt's pain.

"I don't know, I can ring him if you like though."

"Yes please! He must be so worried; I can't believe I've been in a coma."

Confusion washed over me, of course Kurt's been worried, we've both seen that. And he's had months to come to terms with being in a coma.

"Erm, yeah"

I quickly texted Kurt to come to the hospital and turned back to Blaine.

"Blaine I love you so much."

I let the depth of my emotion run through my words ignoring the niggling doubt in the back of my mind, I wouldn't accept it.

"I love you too Quinn, you're my best friend. I hope you know that, we may not have known each other long but you mean so much to me and I hope you've been okay whilst I was in the coma, I'm here to protect you again Quinn."

And that's when it really hit me, broke through my subconscious; he doesn't remember being in limbo. He doesn't remember the days we shared, the kisses and touches. My body locked down in shock and pain, I stared at him, my eyes stinging painfully. Kurt walked in at that moment –he must have been close by- I watched his face fill with absolute joy as he ran towards the bad.

"Kurt!"

Blaine's smile broke my heart; I felt the piercing pain vibrate through my chest. I watched as they held each other, I watched them as they _kissed_; each moment of their happiness hurting me more and more. This pain was harsher than any I had ever felt before, the only comparison I had to make was letting Beth go. I could fight for Blaine, make him fall in love with me or remember or something, anything. But Blaine's happy, and so is Kurt. Why should I have love and Kurt not? I couldn't take that smile from his face again; I couldn't physically go through with fighting for Blaine. There would be too much pain involved, what happens if he rejects me? I could not live with that. I don't even know if I can live with this. Looking over to Blaine nuzzling his face against Kurt's shoulder blissfully I felt like an intruder. I walked out stiffly leaving Kurt with the man I love, Blaine only calling out when I opened the door to leave.

"Quinn, I'll see you soon okay?"

Without turning back to see the only man I will ever love again I replied

"Bye Blaine."

Thankfully the tears didn't affect my voice.

"Bye Quinn."

He replied not knowing this would be the last time he would ever see me, his last goodbye. This much I knew for sure.

The end.

Over all reviews? Thank you all so much for reading this and any previous reviews it means so much to me!


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